Sabtu, 09 Juni 2012

Welcome to a world known as autism

Aside from a brief moment in my life when I was on pills, for as long as I can remember I have always preferred being away from other people as when looking into a persons eye whether it be the left or right one was like feeling as if icy cold/vicious knives were headed straight for my very soul/being as I often look at peoples mouths/other parts or even between both eyes or looking off into/feeling the infinite wonders all around us, that which most people refer to as looking off into space and when others would talk to me many people oftentimes seeming much like dangerous/threatening zombies, shadows and ghosts who are separate from all other life, making this and many other factors causing it to be all the more difficult to get others to understand or accept me as I did not feel comfortable being around other human beings) as I always tried being away from others.

As for letters/words (as well as many other sounds), to me they are complex to the point where when I think of verbal speech, my mind plays them back as extremely complex musical tones where even something like the letter "A" is a series of complex clicks/whistles/chimes/high pitched squeals/whale sounds/musical tones and so on, listening and feeling countless voices from life that make me feel as if I am at one with the gods, at one with everything and being able to share mesmerizing wonders with others in our own wonderfully unique ways as words are only one of countless ways to share wondrous gifts with others and as for my mind hearing sounds, think of the average person comparing an "A" to a grey blank sheet of paper that changes its shade for each different letter/number/etc, combining those shades for words and so on.

In comparison, imagine my mind as processing the "A" as a series of complex sounds/notes being like a piece of fractal art with a seemingly infinite array of colours and otherworldly patterns/shapes/etc with each letter/number and so on being its own unique fractal drawing with words and speeches seeming as if you are surrounded by 3D fractal imagery that is constantly changing/moving all around you "As to how my mind was ever able to make enough sense of this in such a way as to not completely loose my mind I do not know as i had to figure out how to read/write/speak/etc, basically being able to function in society, to communicate/interact with others with language that to me was far too simple to grasp as there was too much information missing making the written language very frustrating for me to learn and try to hear and speak in the same ways as most others and trying to see/experience life in the ways that most others experience it all too often drives me to the brink of insanity, yet those of us who are able to communicate and cope with society are said to be the ones who are higher functioning while many geniuses who can be heard are overlooked for often staying in a world where true genius lies.

As for me, I live in a world of pure pictures/tones/emotions and heightened senses that give me so much information that if I was to try and describe it all in your languages there would not be enough books on the entire planet to write down what I experience in a single day and because of this, in my mind I have already lived for countless upon countless eons and have experience countless horrors and wonders that are far beyond what most others are currently able to process and as for squares, circles, time, and pretty much every concept out there they are equally as complex to someone like me and this is all to often what causes genius when society is willing to give us the much needed time to process these complexities with people offering us the patience and understandings that we deserve and need to truly help not only ourselves but all of humanity to truly move forward towards a future filled with countless wonders that will be truly beyond measure!!

Imagine if you will having an overactive sponge like mind, having eyes that all too often react as if they are entering the mouth of a starving creature where I even have to try and remind myself to blink and there have been many times in my life where I just wanted to claw my eyes out or stab them with a pencil, scissors or a knife just to make it all go away so that I could let all of my other senses take over and live my life in complete/total bliss as regular exposure to your concrete jungles is like the average person constantly facing there worst nightmares in these areas as regular exposure to this at least for myself is seriously limiting in regards to working towards my full potential, now I am sure that you have all had that split second where something happened that truly scared you out of your minds, but just for that split second, well, imagine that state being the only one that you are in when overwhelmed, screaming in malls, taking glass panes from the table and smashing them on the floor, slamming your head against hard objects or scraping and grinding your teeth, screaming and swearing and so on just to get some temporary relief with these levels of fear causing us to be our own worst nightmares and in turn becoming others worst nightmares.

Having ears that don't necessarily hear volumes that others do not but just end up hearing/processing much more at once often making for a lot of confusion and yes there have been times where I wanted to burst my ear drums, also having a nose that is often so overwhelmed that it either can not make sense of or just shuts down/blocks out the odours that are entering it as the smells so often overload my brain with countless pieces of info, touch that continuously feels liquid like electrical tingling all over your entire body (Imagine having countless tiny insects walking/swimming about on and throughout your body, most especially in your mind that all go into an absolute frenzy when being truly overwhelmed) and liquid like sensations from countless objects with my body feeling as if the air itself is a wavy/watery electric like liquid almost as if I am made of pure liquid energy, at times even feeling as if I am a statue made of electric/liquid ice ready to levitate at a moments notice as my visual processing gets slightly distorted yet is razor sharp at a single small point on one or a few specific things, sometimes to the extreme where I even see a couple of blurred black rings near the end of my peripheral vision as if I am looking through two dark tunnels that meet to create a single opening and as for taste I find that I can taste objects by smell alone but when desired food/liquids come in contact with my taste buds I am all too often in an almost dreamlike state as if my body is not really there but is at the same time.

Now, in comparison to me being bombarded for too long with overstimulation not having at least one anchor/person to properly help guide/protect me through my journeys/travels when things become too much, imagine the average person being in a complex/other worldly labyrinth where the ground opens up underneath them at random times causing them to fall down a pit for a while before being teleported back to solid ground at any random time in any random part of the maze, pitch black rooms with weak floors/ceilings, insect like creatures crawling all over you at random times, ground beneath your feet suddenly levitating taking you to god knows where, hearing countless high pitched sounds coming from numerous angles knowing that you could be struck by a deadly object at anytime with numerous traps/etc lying in wait, Et + Fantasy type environments/devices/sounds/traps/etc/etc, gravity allowing people to walk on sideways/upside down paths/etc and so many other unknowns in this insane maze.

Now, if I was to go through life like that I would need those pills/meds just because the average person would need pills/meds to deal with the "labyrinth" that I have mentioned right? Well, they wouldn't call themselves crazy for being transported to this labyrinth, they would support each other and would not give themselves pills/meds to seriously dampen their own emotions to the point where that labyrinth is just as casual to them as their views are for the great outdoors, after all how would they survive the labyrinth if they were dampened to the point where they were suddenly not made aware of its horrors and hidden wonders.

I see and learn so much more when I am with nature and am in solitude as for me this is personal growth, it is where I truly shine/grow and what most others call exposure, personal growth and so on I call overload, suppression & chaos and likewise what most think of as boredom, suppression and so on to me is personal growth as I end us seeing so much more (Well, to each their own).

For me anyways, it does not matter if I am in someway interacting with breezes, smells, objects, creatures, thoughts/pretty much every concept and thing they are all alive and aware in their own ways and they are the same, as to my mind absolutely every particle/thing is one, that each thing/etc is everywhere and is the exact same thing yet they can become anythings/anywhere, and aside from the time in my life when I was on pills there is no way of convincing my mind otherwise (At least no way that I know of)

The only way I am really aware of physical reality (Or at least societies perceptions of it) is through my body/senses that when communicating with my mind are truly in overdrive and together make for a very eerie lifestyle, heck if it was not for my body/senses being as connected to my mind as they are, I would probably live my life in a complete trancelike state, beyond the ability of speaking/interacting with the physical world/my own body/others/etc as if I was not even a physical being, and/or try to walk through a wall, inside a lake as if it was all air, either frozen with fear or running from certain colours/sounds/emotions/etc as if they were needles shooting towards me or being in complete awe of other colours/etc/etc, trying to walk on wind/air patterns as if they were steps and so on and so forth, not really knowing what is what when to come to interacting to physical beings and their world, having to remain trapped in this limiting/primitive thing, this body!!

To many of us, everything just is, we feel the forces of fate, that every particle, every part of our body, indeed everything has its own types of memories/feeling/emotions and awareness, that they are connected to the cosmos, allowing for a true connectiveness with self and existence, as if all of life/the universe/existence itself is a single living being of unimaginable proportions that is forever evolving together as one, that we are a part of this ever changing life, that there are countless different forms of realities that are all around us, that having a few real friends with true hearts of gold and longing to live an overall solitary lifestyle doesn't have to be a bad thing and has/still can allow for otherworldly/wonderful forms of personal growth/creativity/inventiveness/etc, that overall solitude can make certain individuals filled with completeness, happiness, true genious and so much more.

At my peak, I would hardly even or not be aware of my surroundings/others or even who I was as if I was literally in the process of absorbing an infinite amount of stimuli/knowledge, as if I was literally going to transcend to something beyond human, to become a part of something, possibly of everything. The few times when I made it to this state, to this truly horrifying stage, eventually, all I was, was fear, I truly was not aware of my physical self, others or my surroundings, all I was, was fear, thought and that tingling sensation. It was at this point that I had to do listen to and obey at least one of those voices, since my entire mind and body truly felt as if it was going to shut down, and the panic was so extreme that I had to listen to at least one of the voices in order to make this go away for a while.

Now, take any random item out there, like say, a car, being able to visually see it yet still not being able to perceive this as a single thing, just random parts of it all jumbled up in our minds (Can even be the most random things such as part of or an entire shiny spot from the sun, patterns from fog/raindrops, shades, shadows, shapes, textures, a bit of the colour/paint, 1-5+ of the senses being hyper focused/fixated, and so on, parts of parts and realms within realms, the car being an extra world to explore so to speak with the world being like your universe, forever changing, every moment of every day even when in the same places, even when watching and listening the same things over and over again, never the same, forever changing), so the next time you see one of us steering at the floor or at a single point, at times for hours on end, remember that from your perspectives it is like looking into worlds within a universe filled with infinite wonders and sensations!!

Try reaching for the car door with a mind like this as it and other parts are all filed away as separate puzzles with all the pieces floating about randomly, everything in life being parts within parts, me always having to sift through them for everything where even finding the door handle is always an adventure even though I have reach for it many times before.  The car to me being much like a planet to you, with countless other items or planets if you will in our daily lives truly making for an infinitely complex, forever changing kaleidoscope type of existence, having to forever adapt, every moment of every day.  (Yet somehow, even with all of this I am able to draw decent pictures, create wonderful works of art out of wood and having full/well detailed images/environments in dreams to explore, talk about irony)

Since others are not really aware of our worlds society tries so hard (Often times pulling their hair out) to try and make us Rudolphs fit into theirs, often times putting the mud over our yet to be noticed gifts, our noses so to speak, and diagnosed or not, the next Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, or Leonardo Da Vinci (Just to name a few) can easily be prevented from finding or enhancing his or her special gifts to share with the rest of the world as numerous people throughout history (Most labelled as mentally challenged by the way) have changed the world by being quite different then most and staying that way and it is my hope that someday the word normal will either be eliminated or redefined so that we each have ouw own normal, as a good majority of society wants us to be more like them in order to be accepted when what we really need is to be encouraged to be the best that we can be, to find and truly excel at our gifts, not to be overloaded with extra subjects and materials that we don't really need, not to need a stupid piece of paper known as a diploma having to go through courses that we don't need, as we can truly excel without those ones, just focusing on what we are best at, just whip up your time machines and ask a good majority of the greats throughout history on that one and you'll see what I mean.

In conclusion, I wish to say that there are many people that will try to put us down, tease, manipulate and use us for their own selfish means and as such many of us are not able to have what we truly need from life, we need to be in the proper settings to allow us to reach our full potential, for others to figure out what is best for each individual regardless as to whether or not someone has enhanced awareness, because the world has already missed out on so many amazing ideas/changes that could have made life far better then it is now, but it does not have to continue to be this way as humanity as a whole can be encouraged to be the best that "we" can be and helped as much as possible to make not just ours but others dreams come true.

Oh, and as for bullying, abuse of power, manipulation and so on, these are amongst the easiest problems in the world to solve, really they are, just get everyone together, strength in numbers after all and let them know that their wrongs will not be tolerated anymore and that they will be put them in there place if need be yet at the same time let them know that there will be help, support, shoulders to cry on and real friendship if they ever choose to accept it.

We need to, in the ways that are best for the individual to help and allow each person to find and use their own songs to add to the infinitely complex chorus of life so that not just us but humanity and others can have a future with wonders beyond wonders (Genius often takes time and lots of it, usually not emerging till much later on in life and we each need our own types of environments and teachings that work best for the individual and yes it can take a long time to find the write techniques for the right people but in the end it will be well worth it in more ways then you can possibly fathom)

Yet do to my enhanced awareness, or as the so called experts called it, a disorder, the doctors put me on pills and it didn't take long before they were making me colder to the world around me as bit by bit I was being robbed of my connections with life as if I was turning into an ice cube where I was no longer able to be at one with the ocean of life, feeling as if I was a separate entity.

During this time I was finally able to have good eye contact on a regular bases, could remember who someone was by looking at their face and really distinguish facial expressions as being separate from other objects also seeing everything around me at once such as an entire car and many other things within my field of view, as in the whole puzzle, yet at the same time my creativity and deep thinking was greatly reduced and for the first time I saw everything as being separate from each other with no real life force, being much more aware of the whole picture let much less aware of its separate parts.

I felt as if I was amongst the living dead, as if I was no longer aware of what was really going on around me, seeing more yet barely feeling anything, much like a mother being torn away from her child and locked up all alone in a cold dark room, not being able to feel oneness with life or to actually see (As in feel) what is going on all around, that for the first time in my life I actually felt as well as truly understanding the concepts of boredom, time, death and the true meaning of loneliness as well as a new empty/dark type of fear as my deep connections with life were severed, taken away from me.

Then, on my own I started to seek out friends to try and fill this new void but was still taken advantage of and bullied on an almost daily bases in elementary school, often times being thought of as an amusing oddity as if I was somehow broken and needed to be fixed, or in other words to be more like the so called norm, and I was even contemplating suicide as I had nowhere left to retreat towards since the pills were making me like most others, which to me, compared to my own personal state of normality and in many ways I feel that I experience life in the same ways as most other non human creatures but with all the extra additions to the human brain making the processing of information all the more extreme.

However, the one positive thing that I got out of all this was true genuine empathy for others who were dealing with physical and emotional abuse in their lives as no matter how serious their dilemmas were their pains were my pains and emotionally I often stuck to these people like glue and did what I could to help out anyone who was struggling, making a few more friends in the process and when I graduated from elementary school I was presented with the "Vice Principals Award" for being the most understanding, kind hearted student in the entire school.

To my delight I was eventually able to get off the meds after a few failed attempts, and this soon allowed me to regain what I had once lost along with the new understandings that the pills gave me, transforming me into a new person with true empathy and compassion for others as I had temporarily entered your world so as to get an understanding of both sides through my own eyes, but even though in the end the pills helped me, please try to avoid handing out the pills whenever possible, that when it comes right down to it the majority of us either love or will love who we are, that we, just like virtually every human being wants to feel like a somebody and wants to be shown the proper levels of kindness, caring and understandings that best suit the individual, to know what it is like to be around people who are loyal, honest and truthful, that with the right people and teachings most of us don't need the pills and can truly evolve, not running away from and/or trying to surpass our so called fear or should I say enhanced awareness but instead to be at one with/increasing/enhancing it as fear is not really fear after all, as it is an enlightened version of oneself when channeled properly.

I am currently in the process of writing a book about my life with suggestions for a better world and I wish to share one of countless life experiences that I go through without the pills;
Like a deep fearful longing, the water calls for me to enter its sharp knify realm, to bleed me free of all my negativities, feeling as if I am quite literally sinking towards it, like gazing into pure liquid crystal shimmering in the suns light with numerous different hauntingly beautiful chimes/whispers and wines echoing about, feeling light as if I am levitating ever so slightly in the air yet almost as if I am being spun around relatively slowly by a slightly chilly gust of wind that also enters my body almost as if I am a ghost, as if I am ready to transcend/leaving this universe and entering into a distorted/wavy realm/version of reality, as if a wolf is howling at night during a full moon while at the same time hearing the majestic calls of the loon during a fresh foggy morning with the screams of an eagle, like an ancient calling straight from life's primordial soup, that this is where I have to be/exist, like something straight out of the Twilight Zone, as if I am in the process of evolving into the next state of human evolution, of becoming so much more, that I am one of it's missing drops, that the water needs me to join it's eerily beautiful, endlessly eternal void, as if this is where I truly belong and need to be, so peaceful when alone with the water, so complete.

Welcome everyone, welcome to a world of enhanced awareness, welcome to a world known as autism, thank you.

from someone out there ...

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